God and The Church of the Righteous Heathens

Introduction:

Who is God? The Truth Revealed

Internet Special, For a Limited Time Only:

Salvation and Membership in the Church of the Righteous Heathens for $10!

Updates:

Saints Residing in Heaven!

Some Living Saints Revealed!

Mission for Men: Husbands Needed!

Raise Money for God!

Anxious to talk to God? Email her directly at god@godisagaywoman.com

The Truth About God was revealed to Prophet Jennifer Robinson, the Voice of God on Earth in July, 2008. Below is the Revelation as was written directly after it occured:

I write to you today to tell you of a Divine Happening that has occurred on this the 5th day of July, 2008, A.D.

First I shall give you some background information:

How Jennifer Robinson Came to Be Your Religious Leader and the Voice of God:

As I have been unemployed for some months, and have applied for numerous jobs for which I was not hired, I have been trying to think of a new plan for how to make money. Simultaneously, I have read several books on cults, and more specifically, three books on Fundamentalist Mormon Polygamists.

As you may know, the Mormon church was started in the 19th century by a guy named Joseph Smith who claimed that God dictated showed him where to dig up the Book of Mormon in the dirt on a hill somewhere in New York. And then God deciphered, through Smith, the context of the book, which was written in some weird sort of Egyptian code. This is, of course, no more odd than the way the Christian church was developed, really, especially the branch which is run by charismatic saints like Pat Robertson.

It was on a chair in the Borders bookstore, where, like a bolt of lightening, God struck me with physical force and spoke directly to me in the still, small voice we know as the Lord’s.

“Jennifer,” she said, “thou shalt be the new Messenger of God!” (Note, God is a woman and she has been very unhappy that throughout the History of Time on Earth, all the so-called Messengers of God have been male.)

“Who, me?” I said, in shock, to Her Majesty. “Si, Senorita”, she replied (God does not just speak English or Hebrew. She speaks the Espanol as well, and Arabic. Much like telemarketing, this pays God an extra bonus each week).

I know such a Divine Revelation will sound strange to you at first, and perhaps even blasphemous. To help you understand how God prepared me for this mission, I will tell you a bit about my History with God.

It all started one summer day in 1980, when I was five years old. Sitting in the bleachers of Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, Maryland, with my mother and my Aunt Maryann, I listened as Reverend Billy Graham encouraged everyone to add money to the collection plates, and spoke a bit about God. When the altar-call came, in my 5-year-old-wisdom, I decided that I wanted to go to Heaven when I died, with all the other Righteous People. So, I headed down to pray with a properly matronly-looking older woman, who asked God to Save me and Forgive my Sins. She then took my address down so that I could be mailed information from God at home, and have homework assignments (something that continued when I moved to Florida the following year).

This, as you see, was my entrance into the realm of Christianity (or more aptly, Fundamentalist Charismatic Non-denominational Christianity; the kind that Pat Robertson is part of).

Following this momentous event, where I became Officially Saved from the Devil, I attended a church with my mother that took place in a tent, because the preacher had not gotten enough donations from the Righteous yet to build an actual building. (It has since become a very large building with a school and a home for Unrighteous Unwed Mothers in Baltimore). My Aunt Maryann attended as well, as she, too, had become Saved. (She still is a follower of what we will now call Fundie Christianity and teaches in a Fundie Christian school).

Then, we moved to Florida, and as I was about to start first grade, my mother thought it necessary for me to attend a proper, Christian school. So, I was enrolled at Harvest Temple Christian School, in Seminole, where girls had to wear skirts or dresses that reached their knee-caps and stand at least six inches away from boys at all times (this was known as “the six-inch rule”). Here I studied the Bible, pledged allegiance to the Christian flag, was taught that evolution was a lie invented by heathens, and earned copious awards for Scripture Memorization, as well as the Honor Roll, Dean’s List, and a Most-Improved Student Award (these now-Holy artifacts would be kept in sealed vaults in the Museum of Jennifer Robinson but they were destroyed by a tornado in 1992, when God was having a bad day and decided to blow down my neighborhood for kicks).

Meanwhile, on Sundays and Wednesdays, I attended Faith Community Church, in Pinellas Park, where there was an older preacher known as Pastor O. and a guy named Dexter who was the Assistant Pastor as well as Pastor O’s son-in-law, and the father of six daughters (I never liked this guy). One day when I was about fourteen, the six o’clock news came on, and there was Dexter. Turns out he was arrested and sent to prison for molesting a lot of girls in my church, some of whom I knew (one was my babysitter). I decided then and there that something was amiss at the Faith Community Church, where this guy was still revered by people who believed he would be Forgiven by God (She has since told me that She never forgives pedophiles, and they all burn in hell).

Around this time, my mother started taking us to a different church, which was, like the one in Baltimore, too new to have an actual building yet. So they met in a hotel conference room every Sunday. This place, known as Countryside Christian Center, is now the born-again mecca of Safety Harbor, with a building that resembles the Taj Mahal. Something was amiss at this church too, however. I felt instinctively that the people were phony and God was not amongst them. So, then began my refusals to attend church and many years spent as an Agnostic (which only ended today, actually).

Having never been allowed to listen to Michael Jackson, or watch an episode of the Smurfs (they do magic), or view Ghostbusters, I suddenly found myself attending a public high school and experimenting in all sorts of heathenism, including listening to The Cure, and REM (especially “Losin’ My Religion), wearing orange tights, cutting my hair shorter than a boy’s and reading Ms. Magazine. Hence, I no longer considered myself Christian......

Skipping along, to twenty years later, I found myself wondering once again about God. Over the years, I visited other churches, including my Dad’s weird Catholic church, and the groovy Unitarian Universalist non-church (which God approves of, She told me directly), and reading various texts.

As has since been revealed to me by God, the most Heavenly words I’ve read were not the Bible, an overrated collection of story-tales about mules and prostitutes, but The Portable Dorothy Parker. Turns out, Parker is the Saint of Cynicism, and resides over a large portion of Heaven, including the Ninth-Cloud Saloon. God likes her a lot, and God did reveal to me today that the words of Parker came directly from God Herself.

Other Godly texts, which the Lord has demanded that all her People read, are: A Room of One’s Own, Ain’t I a Woman, and Sisterhood is Powerful. If you have not read these books, you are henceforth commanded to do so in order to be invited into the Queendom of Heaven.

Now that you understand my life experiences (not to mention some trials and tribulations, all of which were overcome with the help of, well, myself), you can certainly see why the Lord has chosen me to be her Voice on Earth – Henceforth the new Spokesperson of God, and the leader of the Church of the Righteous Heathens. I have experience with Christianity and Heathenism, so I am suited perfectly for this role. I also have the required Huge Ego that being a religious leader requires (aside from moments of suicidal self-hatred, from which God healed me).

God has decided that she will reveal her truths to me, not in some book written by dozens of people over a period of 500 years, like the Bible, and not in some book I dig up on a hillside like the Book of Mormon, but in her newly chosen form of communication, which is email. God is very into the Information Age.

So here are some things God revealed to me today. Now that you have read the explanation behind this and you are prepared to read these divine words, please be sure that you have no distractions as you study carefully the Word of God.

-Number One: God is gay, and she therefore, loves gay people. For this reason, everyone shall wear rainbow colors on the Sabbath. It is declared that on Sunday of every week, all the Righteous will be adorned in every color of the rainbow, and if any color of the rainbow is missing from thou garments, thou shall burn in hell for all of eternity. (Please be sure to keep this information and pass it on to your children!)

God is black. She loves people of all races, but she has a special affinity for Oprah, who is second in command (following me, of course) to God’s Voice on Earth.

God is disabled. She could heal herself, if she wanted to, but she chooses to align herself with the disenfranchised people of the world, so she suffers from Rheumatoid Arthritis. She doesn’t take any medication for it, however, because God is against Big Pharma. Humans are created in Her image, and most humans do not have perfect health.

God weighs 556 pounds. She does not look like any picture of God you’ve ever seen, just to reiterate that point. She is a bit on the hefty side, because her brain weighs a lot, being the center and creation point of all the universes in existence and all. God thinks sometimes about going to Brookhaven, the obesity treatment center in New York, but she has decided that Big is Beautiful, so she’s not going to do that. After all, she is God.

Now that you know a bit about God and her true demographics, I shall tell you the revelations which God has given to me today. After reading this, be sure to see how you can raise money for God and the Church of the Righteous Heathens!

First, we must form a meeting center, where we shall hold services for the Church of the Righteous Heathens every Sunday at 10 AM. Like the churches of my childhood, it need not have an actual building, since we have not taken up a tithe yet, so that would be problematic. But upon our first meeting we will have a large Powerpoint Presentation about the Money God Needs, in order for our beautiful, suitably gargantuan building to come to fruition, and everyone will empty their pockets like the righteous people that you are.

At the beginning of our service we will have a Worship period during which we will song songs by Melissa Ethridge, Madonna (God likes to Vogue), and Ani Difranco. There shall be no hymns from religious hymnals, as God hates them all. She also has great disdain for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

During our service, we shall have readings from feminist literature, because God intends for our mission to be to eradicate Patriarchy in all its forms, and we shall not read any books of any other (old) religions, like the Bible, because God did not write them. There will be a book of Sacred Texts, which God is going to reveal to me through emails, in the coming weeks.

Finally, of course, as the Voice of God, I will speak to you, my righteous, heathenistic, sisters and brothers. We shall discuss issues of social importance like, how to eradicate AIDS from Africa and what mental illness Britney Spears is suffering from. We shall then pray, or meditate, or bang on drums, or light candles and incense, or spray pachouli oil on ourselves, or do some other spiritual things, yet to be determined.

We shall have a “communion” ceremony, during which, everyone will be served their choice of Diet Coke – the favored elixir of God – in giant Super Big Gulp, 64 ounce cups from 7-11, or their choice of hard liquor. We are civilized people, not cannibals, so there will be no pretending to eat the flesh and drink the blood of a person like Jesus, which is, obviously, a silly ritual of the damned.

Last, but certainly not least, we will empty our pockets to Pay God. You may also, as mentioned above, make direct payments to God through me via paypal (see links to the left of this page) God recommends a good tip of at least 20 percent, for the downtrodden, and 50 percent for the wealthy who can afford it. People with incomes above $500,000 a year shall tithe 80% of their incomes. God has declared this to be law. You must obey or perish in the Inferno. Write this down. People like Oprah, who made $275 million last year, will have to seriously downsize their lifestyles in order to Pay God. Paying God is the real Golden Rule. Payment will go, of course, to God’s Voice on Earth, which would be me, Jennifer Robinson. Use the links to the left to Pay God!

And that takes care of Sundays….We will not have church on any other weird days like the Christian fundies who meet on Wednesdays, or Saturdays, or any other days. God likes to keep things simple. And she has an active schedule so she really can’t be bothered to ordain you with her presence more often than once a week. The woman has a life, after all.

God has also given to me, in order to save your souls, a list of Things Which God Hates. You shall memorize these, teach them to your offspring, and if the earth survives long enough, to their offspring too. You shall recite these things daily, or, if your lapsing, weekly.

Here they are:

God hates Deepak Chopra. This fool claims that people can heal themselves from all sorts of illnesses with the power of positive thinking. God, after all, being God, knows that this is not possible, and that this guy has become a multi-millionaire with his cheesy books full of fluff and no substance. God is angry with Oprah for making Deepak famous.

God hates Dr. Phil. This, too, is a flaw in Oprah’s spiritual standing. She made this fool – who apparently is a veterinarian or something and not an actual psychologist, famous. For this God is angry. Dr. Phil will burn in hell for all of the ridiculous, self-righteous advice and determinations he has made about other people who he is no better than.

God really loves Cuba. God also loves Che Guevara, and the late Benazhir Butto. She loves revolutionaries, when they have altruistic motives, and she loves nations like Cuba because they do not pretend to be serving God when they really aren’t, like, say, Italy and the Vatican, or Clearwater and the Scientologists.

God did not create L. Ron Hubbard. He grew out of a bacterial specimen in a lab at the CDC in Atlanta, and came to become a science fiction writer, and then creator of the Scientology cult, which God hates.

God is a socialist/anarchist, and she does not like capitalism or imperialism of any kind.

God hates the North American Free Trade Agreement.

God enjoys people decorating their bodies with purple hair die, piercings, tattoos, and dreadlocks. She is an admirer of creativity, being, of course, the original Creator herself.

God hates all of the other religions ever formed throughout the history of mankind for their misogyny, their violence, their mistreatment of people who did not believe in their faith, and the Crusades, and the Holocaust, and the suicide bombers in Israel and the Israeli Military in Palestine, and the anti-choicers who bomb abortion clinics, and Pat Robertson and Billy Graham, and, the late Jesse Helms.

Unlike the gods of all those other religions, the real God, actually, hates violence in all forms. She does not want anyone being nailed to a cross for her and she does not want anybody blowing anybody else’s head off or bombing any buildings in her name, ever. God believes in peace, and consensus-process decision making. She is a big fan of the antiwar movement. God loves hippies, old and young

God does not want prayer in schools. Prayer is for Sunday, and she really can’t be bothered to answer all those problems every other day of the year, so she would prefer you keep your praying to a minimum. Famines, droughts, hurricanes, volcanic eruptions, things like that are fine to pray about, but, so sayeth the Lord our God, you shall not pray for a Mercedes Benz, unless your name is Janis Joplin (who is a Saint, partying it up in Heaven right now).

God hates UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship), football, boxing, and all other violent sports. God thinks it is funny when stupid humans engage in these activities and then wonder why they end up with brain damage. She never ceases to be amazed at the foolishness of this species.

This brings me to the greatest revelation of all….Please brace yourself as this one will come as a shock and may be difficult for you to digest….

God does not like humans much. In fact, the planet earth, and all its inhabitants were created by accident, much like an unwanted pregnancy. God was busy creating all the other universes, looking after all the other species out there, and one day she forgot her birth control, and lo and behold, she gave birth to the accident – earth.

Those of you who know what it is like to be the “accident” of your parents, will understand that, in comparison to your siblings, you always feel a little less loved. This is in fact the case with earth. God really favors other planets, and other intelligent life, but she looks at us her on the lowly earth as the people she made by mistake who she has to look after because she has strong morals. She does not, however, have much hope for the future of mankind. What with toxic waste, a McDonald’s on every corner, destruction of the rainforest, off-shore drilling for oil, wars for oil, the depletion of the ozone layer, and everybody driving SUV’s and Hummers in the U.S., God pretty much declared to me today that we are doomed.

Therefore, as the time is near when the earth shall come to an end, it is vitally important that you seek eternal salvation!

You can obtain your eternal salvation in the following ways:

-Send a Donation to Fund God's Work! Click the Buttons to the Left of this Page!

-Attend our future Sunday Services, and bring your checkbook with you.

-Stay home on Sundays, hold your own worship service by watching Melissa Ethridge videos on your computer, and send in your money.

-Avoid killing people and animals for any reason. Especially avoid this if you happen to be the leader of the United States, or some other powerful nation, with a large militia.

-Join God’s Corps. This is sort of like the Peace Corps, and sort of like being a missionary, and sort of like being part of a religious militia. It involves specialized Boot Camp training in the Scripture and the words of Sainted Feminists from the past and from modernity. Then you will travel around holding Vagina Monologue readings, Lilith Fair concerts, and volunteering at places like Planned Parenthood, NOW, the Feminist Majority Foundation, Women in Black, Code Pink, and the Women’s International League for Peace and Freedom. In this capacity, you will spread the feminist word of God to the world and form coalitions with the like-minded, righteous souls you shall meet at these Godly organizations. Copious amounts of Diet Coke will be served, and for those who like the drink like Saint Dorothy Parker, there will be an open bar.

-Write hate mail to Rush Limbaugh. He is God’s stated enemy.

-Try to have George Bush impeached while there is still time. This is the will of God.

-Vote for Obama. God is mad that Hillary did not win the nomination, however, being God, she knows how to make lemonade out of lemons, and she supports Obama, provided he follows the will of God and picks Hillary as his running mate. If he does not, he shall be damned.

-If you’re gay, get married. God loves same-sex marriages!

-God likes polygamy. Only, she likes the kind that is the reverse of Joseph Smith’s variety – where 14 year old girls would become his wife because God supposedly wanted them to. The real God, being a feminist, believes women should marry as many men as they like. She goes further, being a militant feminist, to declare that women shall use said men for any purposes they desire, such as, having them change the oil on your car, cook you dinner, wash the dishes, do the laundry, and take care of the children.

-God does not want people to have too many kids, polygamist or not. After all, the earth, as you have read here, is damned. So populating it is rather pointless. God has declared no couple should have more than two children, and all men should get vasectomies instead of forcing women to take dangerous birth control pills that cause cancer and all sorts of other problems.

-As the saying goes, “girls just want to have fun”, and God is no exception. God likes to get jiggy with it and party with the best of them. She enjoys dancing to Queen Latifah’s music, Madonna’s, Pink, and Sleater-Kinney. She is a fan of a great many musical women. God frequents the Holy Gates CBGB, and she especially enjoys Disco Night when they play seventies favorites and new wave tunes. God also is a big fan of poetry slams, which she holds at the Pearly Gates Book Emporium every Friday Night. Sometimes she stops in on shows in New York City as well, when she’s not manning the homefront (or should I say womanning?).

Well, now that you have a rather comprehensive understanding of God, the new Church of the Heathens, and your place in Eternity, it is up to you what course of action you will take. You are strongly advised to plan for your afterlife immediately and without hesitation, or you could easily end up facing eternal damnation with Snoop Doggy Dog and Bill O'Reilly. Please take this situation seriously and act now!! Your infinite future is at stake!!

Also, you must, now that you know the word of God, spread these truths throughout the land, wherever you go, from Starbucks, to Walmart, to the local saloon. You shall teach others in order to save their souls!! You have been enlisted in the realm of the Righteous because, simply, God loves you.

Blessed Be! Amen! Peace be With You!

Be sure to read How to Raise Money for God and the Church of the Righteous Heathens!

Your Voice of God and Humble Servant,

Jennifer Robinson