Your Ticket To Heaven:
How to Get Eternal Salvation and
Join the Church of the Righteous Heathens Today!
God and the Church accept major credit cards!
Many false religions have risen up on the Earth over many millenia, particularly in Utah, and the Middle East. While some of these religions claim that one must dedicate one's life to serving God or L. Ron Hubbard, the real God would like you to know that She does not demand you spend all of your time in such a way. She understands you have a busy schedule!
In order to join the Church of the Righteous Heathens, gain the Official Approval of God, and Guarantee your Eternal Salvation, you need only use your paypal account, or credit card and make a donation today (please see the links to the left).
Here is God's Work, which your donation, of any amount, will fund:
- The payments to Homestead.com for maintaining this website.
- The maintenance of our sister site for women and girls with disabilities and chronic illnesses, Sick Chicks and Twisted Sisters which has not ever earned one cent.
- The maintenance of one of our older outreach programs, the Revolution Against Grain which has received approximately 257 visits over the past few years, and sells nothing.
- Time spent by the Prophet, Jennifer, writing Testimonies and Prophecies from the Lord on blogs, web forums, email lists, and usenet groups.
- Future publication of God's Words in New Sacred Texts, hopefully published by a major publishing house. (Please email the Prophet if you have publishing connections!)
- Future, gargantuan building which will host our overflowing Sunday services every week (to be started in a tent when enough funds are accumulated for large tent purchase) in Clearwater, Florida, the town that God wants us to reclaim from the Cult of Scientology!
- Paying the Prophet, Jennifer Robinson's living expenses, which include rent, utilities, cable, automobile insurance, food, medical care, cat food for Saint Spooky - the feline deity - Super Big Gulps of Diet Coke for energy to do God's work, gasoline, journals for writing Godly Words, theological training to become an officially ordained minister, and hygiene products (an occasional movie ticket may also be purchased with the approval of God)
- Building the Prophet's library of feminist, socialist, anarchist, liberal, disability-rights, antiwar, anti-globalization, queer, and other leftwing books of great importance to God. The Prophet would accept book donations but we do not have the funds for a P.O. Box at this time. (Please note, the Prophet currently spends many hours each week at libraries and bookstores studying Godly books for free, which takes up an enormous amount of time that could be better spent spreading God's Word if she could afford to purchase the texts for herself.)
As you can see, copious funds are needed today! As you sit at your computer, perhaps you feel an inkling from some supernatural source, perhaps you feel an itch somewhere on your body that did not come from an allergic reaction to your laundry detergent. Perhaps you feel a Holy presence nearby. God is calling out to you!
Lo, whilst Thou might feel guilty for not donating money to the Lord in the past, it is not too late to change One's course and gear Thy soul toward Eternal Salvation and Partying in Heaven, so sayeth the Lord!
Imagine. A lone Prophet deciphering the True Word of God, spending hours laboring on a computer to tell the Truth to the World, but unable to buy cat food for Saint Spooky because Saving the World does not bring a paycheck, unless the Righteous come forward to donate. God rewards those who reward the Prophet! God will generously return your emails, answer your prayers, save your soul, and help you get off Crystal Meth if you donate to the Church of the Righteous Heathens today!
Benefits of Donation:
- First class Ticket to Heaven upon death
- Eternal partying with Saints like Dorothy Parker, Ghandi, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Audrey Lorde, Langston Hughes, Captain Kangaroo, Emma Goldman, Harriet Potter, and Zora Neale Hurston.
- Direct emails from God with Prophecies
(Note: prayers must be of a reasonable nature. God reserves the right to refuse requests for items such as Prada shoes, Hawaiian vacations, and anything else that is outside God's budget at the time of the prayer request. God also does not guarantee rescue from natural disasters, including floods, tornadoes, volcanic eruptions, hurricanes, earthquakes, global warming and meteor crashings. God also asumes no responsibility for actions taken by Republican members of the United States government and does not guarantee the removal from power of current Presidents or other government officials, anywhere in the world, no matter how unrighteous they are.)
- The Joy of Giving to help a worthy cause, namely, the Saving of the World from evils such as patriarchy, heterosexism/ homophobia, racism, classism, Republicans, and Fox News
- Courtesy nomination of the would-be Saint of your choice! God will take your request for anyone you wish to nominate for Sainthood, living or dead.
- Official Membership in the Church of the Righteous Heathens for Life! (and all possible future lives, for those who believe in them).
- Absolution of All Sins (with a simple donation of $150 or more! See below for details.)
- Guaranteed Protection from Satan, Rush Limbaugh and Rupert Murdoch with a special blessing from the Lord! That's right, God will remove Fox from your TV set. (Note: this is not guaranteed by God at the present time due to negotiations with the cable industry)
- Freedom to be whoever you like to be, with God's blessing! (Note: God does not bless murderers with the right to kill. God does not forgive pedophiles and sends them all to burn in Hell for Eternity. God does not condone hatred of any kind.)
- And, if that is not enough for you, there's more! God will tell you how to live your life in a Godly way through reading texts by recommended Saints and Sacred Prophecies which you shall receive in your inbox on a regular basis.
What more could anyone ask for? OH! There is more!
- The healing of any and all physical and/or psychiatric illnesses, and ailments! (Void in the United States and anywhere else that does not provide adequate medical care to its citizens).
Yes! The Lord has spoken! Praise Her! Thank you, God! Blessed be the Lord Almighty! For She is Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End! Thank you, oh mighty militant feminist, lesbian God! We praise you! We worship you! We love you! We open up our hearts and our wallets to your Eternal Love and Salvation! Your mercy knows no bounds!
We will give graciously as you have commanded!
"The symbol of the Father God,
spawned in the human imagination
and sustained as plausible by
patriarchy, has in turn rendered
service to this type of society by
making its mechanisms for the
oppression of women appear
right and fitting."
-Mary Daly (Saint), Beyond the Father
"I found God in myself, and I loved
Her fiercely."
-Ntosake Shange, for colored girls
who have considered suicide when
the rainbow is enough
"Religious symbol systems focused
around exclusively male images of
divinity create the impression that
female power can never be fully
legitimate, or wholly beneficial."
-Carol Christ
"The Koran is not a great book; it is
reactionary and full of misogyny."
-Ayaan Hirsi Ali, The Caged Virgin:
An Emancipation for Women and
Islam
"Nearly every one of the dogmas and
ceremonies in the Christian cult are
borrowed from other and older religions. The resurrection myth, the ascencion, the eucharist, baptism, worship by kneeling or prostration, the folding of the hands over the breast, the ringing of bells and the burning of incense, the vestments and vessels used in the church, the candles, "holy water", even the word, "Mass", were all, adopted and adapted by the Christians from the religions of
the ancients.:"
-M. M. Mangasarian in "The Truth About Jesus", from You Are Being Lied To
