How to Raise Money for God's Work

Raising Money for God's Work

Many of us have come from lives of low-incomes and experienced what we consider to be poverty. God would like to point out that, should you live in the United States and consider yourself poor, you should visit India, Ethiopia, Haiti, the Dominican Republic, Uganda, Mexico, and Alabama before you use this adjective to describe your situation.

Because God, in Her Divine Wisdom, understands that not everyone has money to support the Church of the Righteous Heathens, she has dictated through her Voice on Earth, Jennifer Robinson, some ways in which you can obtain funds for God. (Please note: Thou shalt not use these means to obtain funds for any reason other than to donate to the Church of the Righteous Heathens.)

Panhandle for God: If you have no regular job, this can be done any day of the week. For those with employment, you can panhandle for the Church on your day off, or in the evenings. This is most effective when one uses a large, easy-to-read sign that says something like, "Hungry Disabled Veteran Needs Money for Food". Whilst thy might not actually be a disabled veteran, God teaches us that the end is sometimes more important than the means.

Sell Your Belongings: As my neighbor Troy, the apartment complex's resident drug dealer, and his battered girlfriend, Patty, taught me well, there is always someone looking for a good buy on the side of the road. All you have to do is gather up any items you do not actually need to survive, set up a table, make a sign using a piece of cardboard which might be obtained from the dumpster, and write, "Yard Sale!" or "Garage Sale!" (it does not matter if you have no garage).

Sell the Discarded Belongings of Other Unfortunate Souls Troy and Patty, since evicted themselves, used to "come into ownership of" items left behind by evicted tenants at my apartment complex. Once they "came to obtain" these items, they would sell them the same way that they sold their own belongings, as the unfortunate people who left their belongings behind never had a place to take them or a means to get them there, so Troy and Patty considered the items fair game, as did the landlord. God showed me that this was an excellent way for Her people to raise money for Her Work.

Strip for God (Men Only!) God does not like the way that women have been objectified by the sex industry for so many millenia. However, as a reversal of this historic problem, She firmly believes in the sanctity and righteousness of men selling their bodies. Perhaps there is a Chippendale's nearby where you live, or some other male review establishment. You should donate your body to God by becoming a well-practiced stripper who shows women and gay men a great time. Then all the tips you pocket in your saintly thong shall be donated to the Church! God has declared this to be her Will.

Redistribute Wealth for God Lo and Behold, there are many wealthy corporations in the Western world, particularly in the United States. Many of these establishments have been overly successful, and unrighteously so. God commands that Her people shall, like Robinhood, "steal from the rich to give to the poor", though God does not use the word, "steal", as she considers this to be the Divine Redistribution of Wealth. She will not dictate exact details here on how to go about redistributing wealth for God, lest someone press legal charges. However, all Fortune 500 companies, Microsoft, large department stores, Time Warner, Disney, Toyota, Tiffany's, Louis Vitton, Prada, an all cotour designers, are in possession of Superfluous Funds which would be more aptly used by God and her Messenger on Earth, and the God Corps. The Lord has ordered that thou shalt be creative and think of local establishments that are overflowing with superfluous wealth, which may be better suited for the hands of the Righteous. You may think of jewelry stores, car dealerships, and banks.(Legal Note: this website and its author do not encourage activities which could be considered illegal)

Be a Clown, a Pirate, a Magician, an Alien or a Firebreather for God. Such entertainers can be found in the downtown area of any tourist-trap of a town, such as Clearwater Beach, Florida, where God has many enemies. These performers usually pocket their profits, selfishly, thereby earning tax-free income. However, God, of course, could make better use of these funds! To be a firebreather, one must take some kind of class, or at least have water nearby at all times. God can heal, but she prefers for people to take care of themselves than to be careless. There is a clown college in Sarasota, Florida, but if you use your God-given creativity, you should not need any formal education to be capable of performing any of the above roles.

Go Door-to-Door for God Spread the Word of the True God, who is female, lesbian, feminist, and black to those who have other visions of God and interpretations of Her Words. While you are there, ask for a donation to support God's Work, or to feed hungry children in African countries, feed the homeless, or some other worthy endeavor that might lead a compassionate person to donate funds. (Note: these activities will be done when we receive adequate funds).

Speak for a Fee You may offer to speak at local schools, churches, rotary clubs or other establishments, to spread the Truth to the masses. Recommended speaking points are: Feminism, The Destruction of Patriarchy, Racism and Why God Hates It, Homophobia and the Truth About Being Gay, or personal issues which you can share a testimony about to impress the public with how God has helped you in your life.

Create! God, the Original Creator, encourages Her people to participate in creative puruits of all kinds, including clay art, writing poetry, digital photography, painting images of God, drawing images of God, splashing paint onto a canvas like Jackson Pollack, memorializing Campbell's soup cans or Coke bottles with art, creating sculptures out of recycled tires, playing music of all kinds glorifying God and all women, breakdancing in subway stations, making animals out of balloons, following SARK's books advice, or finding some other way to use thou God-given imagination..

Sell Your Plasma: All over the United States, particularly in the parts of town that are on the wrong-side-of-the-track are blood donation sites, where you can get paid money for the plasma in your God-given blood that she created for you. Give some back to repay God for your life!

Donate Your Eggs (Women Only): In the spirit of smashing patriarchy in all its forms, God wants you, as a woman, to know that you are more than female reproductive organs! Many of us choose not to have children. Yet, we, and therefore, God, can make a profit by assisting others in their baby-making endeavors. This is a simple way to bring in large sums of cash for the Church. Remember: You must not tell the agency purchasing your eggs of any kind of physical ailment you may have. It also helps if you are a graduate of an Ivy League college.

Become a Surrogate Mother: God realizes this does not sound like a very feminist action to take. However, women's wombs have been used to enslave us and keep us down since The Beginning of Time, and now, with modern science, we have the opportunity to profit from those wombs! And in the process, you'll be helping some other soul become a parent, creating a life almost like a God yourself! As stated above, one should not have any ailments when applying for this position, and it helps if you went to an Ivy League college, and if you have blonde hair and blue eyes, as many of the customers you will meet will be racist. (Their money is better off in God's hands!)

Sell Your Organs: God created you in such a way that some of your God-given organs are actually superfluous! You do not really need to kidneys, or even two lungs, to survive. Since there is a lack of compassion among the human race, not many people choose to be organ donors. But you now have the opportunity to save another's life, while churning profits for God. You must find a black market buyer for your organ, and a back-alley doctor to perform your surgery. It may sound dangerous, but God will definitely protect you in your efforts to raise funds for her Glory.